I am lonely. I have always been lonely. But my loneliness is not the one people usually have. I am surrounded by people, by family, I have a lot of people who care about me.
No. This loneliness is another kind. I feel this inside. Like I am a vessel without an engine to propel it. I feel this huge emptiness inside, that consumes me.
I feel like I need love and care, but I have all those. I feel like I need someone to congratulate me on something, but I have that, too. So it is very confusing. Something is missing.
I have a happy life. But then the weather goes bad and I start to feel this huge drive to step out of my life and experience great things. I feel tired, I feel lonely. I need a hug, I need to be loved. At least this is how it feels.
It can drive people crazy. Also it makes me lazy, I do not want to do anything with my life in such cases. I just want to lay in the bed and do nothing. Nothing drives me, when I am feeling this inner loneliness. I just question why I was born, what my goal in life is. And I never find an answer.
But then again, weather becomes sunny again and my soul breathes. I feel alright again, ready to save the world if needed. This feeling is strange.
I struggled hard to find the cause of it. None of this spiritual bullshit is working. I am not interested how it can be made to be less bad, I want to understand this feeling. The roots of it. The biology of it. I want to understand what causes it, what is the lack that causes this feeling of huge emptiness.
People do not understand, they think that I am simply tired. To be honest, sleeping helps, but does not solve anything. There are times when my dreams are more awesome than my life. I find refuge in them, rob energy from them.
I will try to find the answer and let everyone know how to deal with this feeling. I know there are other people struggling with this, some are even considering drastic measures.
For all the people in the world who feel the same like me: endure my friends, life is a beautiful playground. Just play on.